The Blog of Nang

As promised, I have provided the first entry in the The 24 Days of Final Fantasy III challenge. Note, if you've never played Final Fantasy III/VI before, these entries will contain spoilers for the game, so if you've never played this game, be warned.

( Day One )

Well, I failed NaNoWriMo, but this time at least I can say that I did learn from the experience and got further with this half-baked idea than I did with the others. I did like the idea of writing without editing, but it seems I can only do that with an idea that is so nebulous and ill-formed that if I do fall behind, I lack the motivation to continue. In the midst of this, I actually remembered why and how I messed up last year -- I should have written it in the first person and not the third person. Actually I never tried that with any of my NaNoWrimo ideas. It's something to keep in mind. For the first time, I'm actually looking forward to trying again.

I think I'm going to try my hand at The 24 Days of Final Fantasy III again. I sat out last year because I foresaw that the distractions would be too great to allow me to even try (although I later learned it wasn't as bad as I had feared). In 2005 my paternal grandmother died, and since she lived out of state, attending the funeral took precedence. In 2006, in addition to a job where I worked six days a week and general, I had a near-daily driving lessons that sapped up a lot of free time -- a good 3/4 hours a day. I later learned that my monitor was on the fritz and continued to be for years, being so dim that I couldn't even see how to play in some points. In 2007, I learned my grandfather had terminal lung cancer and I went with him to daily radiation treatments, as well as doing other things concerning palliative care. Since no one has passed away this year, I'm worried that 2009 won't pass without another out of town death, although at least with mobile Internet, I may have a backup plan.

Labor Day.

All holidays have become commercialized or twisted to mean something other than what they were supposed to mean. Christmas has become a time to give expensive gifts the giver cannot afford. Thanksgiving is commonly known as "Turkey Day." Valentine's Day is an excuse to make fun of single people. By the way, does anyone other than political figures and devoted veterans actually think of Memorial Day as something other than the time to fire up the barbecue grill?

This includes Labor Day to an extent, but the nature of this holiday prevents it from becoming "just another day off." Labor Day celebrates not only the pioneers who fought for the protections workers enjoy today, but the same laborers who work today. Nearly all adults work or have worked at one time, and the majority of workers have been "grunts" and not management. This makes it difficult to marginalize the subject of the celebration, even if the specifics of the reason behind it gets lost.

Labor Day, then, is a holiday that can never fully escape meaning, but its meaning is in its existence. It is a pause, a respite from work, a scheduled break that symbolizes a luxury that people get to enjoy. That's why I love it.

What timing! I have not seen New Moon yet, although I may go in the next couple of weeks. As much as I hate Twilight, I plan on supporting Tinsel Korey in the face of the rumors that have been going around.

One of the continual struggles I have is dealing with my paranoia. Yes, I am paranoid. I worry that if I ever display any information that is personal (name, picture, etc.), that someone will use it against me. Nearly every time I have let down my guard, I have been stabbed in the back. It may have taken weeks, months, or in some cases years, but people betray my trust, even after claiming that I'm making a big deal out of something that isn't a big deal.

So, while I don't go overboard with my need for anonymity, I don't advertise myself either. As a result, people have used my caution and concern against me. Since I tend not to give a name, according to others I should not be trusted. Since I do not put up pictures, according to others, I must be ugly. No amount of logic will change this viewpoint. As terrible as the price I pay for being paranoid, at the very least, I thought, it would not affect those I know in real life.

Unfortunately, I was wrong.

In the past few months I inadvertently a became a black knight of sorts, riding to the defense of a woman who has been maligned in the same fashion as I have been in the past. Despite being an actress who is a very public figure, like me she did not disclose certain private information. Like me, she was targeted by a familiar enemy, that of woekitten a.k.a Nadia Oxford, Red Draco, Nadia Eisner, and an alias list miles longer than my own. Unlike me, though, not only was a reputation at stake, but in Ms. Korey's case, but an entire career. Even without that superficial similarity, I realized I had to speak out for another reason: penance.

Simply put, despite railing against the talented for most of my life, for the first time I realized that Tinsel Korey as a talented person was a person subject to the same attacks as myself. And in that moment, my protective instinct kicked in. Here was someone who was talented, who was worth defending on the general principle of giving everyone the benefit of the doubt. Instead of moping about my lack of ability, I decided to make my feelings known and stand up to those who would sully an actress out of petty jealousy.

Still, I know I'm meaningless in the grand scheme of things. I expected to get dismissed and insulted. After twelve years of experiencing that on-line, I wouldn't expect anything to be different.

Except it was different. Instead of just calling me a name, or even telling a minor lie, a major one came from those onwoekitten's side. One that took root and spread. What lie is this? Let's just say the title of the video gives it away.



I have been discredited completely and even one friend of mine has stopped talking to me simply because of this lie.

This mess has bothered me more than the initial Mechadrake/Nadia Oxford fiasco (ruined my name), the GTF mess (stomped all over my heart and trust), the ICVD betrayal (people actually came after me after shunning me), the Kel McDonald libel, Brian Clevinger's lies and disdain (who deserves his own separate Web site). And the person who started this ball rolling, Nadia Oxford, is not only doing fine, but has personally benefited from the chaos. Her top-notch storytelling helped her land a cushy gig with the New York Times Company. And unlike Jayson Blair, it looks like her lies, personal attacks, and defamation will make her a richer and more famous woman. She furthered her career at the expense of Tinsel Korey, a "friend" Nadia Oxford admits has fought harder than she ever did; taking me down seems to have been a fringe benefit.

So I have decided to open up and literally speak out. I don't care if this means I get censored or silenced. I hope that at least like McDonald and Clevinger, she'll let me stew in my own juices instead of trying to censor me like Clara E. Leet and Kristina Potts from ICVD (no, I never did forget about you two). But if Oxford doesn't give me my space, then it's on, and if I have to provide as many details about myself to defeat this rumor, then so be it. My paranoia and got me into this mess, so if I have to make a lot of noise to get out of it, I'm gonna scream.

To sum up this mess of an entry, I'm Nangbaby, and I'm not Tinsel Korey.

Sometimes, I'm too paranoid. I've been scared of backlash and as a result, my very reluctance to share personal details has caused me to become a victim of lies and misinformation. Because of this, I'm going to take a big step in opening up and becoming less paranoid. There will not be invisible people who will stop me, because those invisible people don't exist. The support of my friends helps, but I don't need to rely on other people.

So to those of you who have followed me over the years -- Kieben, Miluda, Dam, Spig, Mr. Pla, Loog, and of course, King Furby himself, Arty. Thank you all for being my friends. And if you don't see this, don't worry, I shouldn't be going anywhere. In fact, some of you will learn more about me than you ever knew before.

And to those of you who I've just gotten to know, well, you'll find out more about me than you want to know. One step at a time, though. This is just preamble to a long rant in the future.

Although it would be hard, I would try to forgive the other partner...unless that partner started hitting on me.

As some of you know, I temp at a firm. I've been temping there for a few years now. Thankfully, I've only had two assignments, a shorter, "daylight" shift assignment and my current "second" shift assignment. Both assignments consist of similar work, but because the nature of work is confidential, I can't discuss what I do. I'll tell you I'm not in the FBI or any sort of law enforcement or security.

To be honest, I can't say I'm happy at my job, although it's not the labor that bothers me -- it's the benefits. If I had health insurance and a much better pay, then I could easily file papers, stuff envelopes, and process forms for the rest of my life. While I would prefer to be doing something in my field (mathematics/engineering), I realize that getting paid is more important than doing something you love.

Then again, I don't think there is something as a dream job, at least not for me. There are certain things that I love doing. Despite my complaints about my final results, I love spriting, but if I had to actually do it every day, I'd whine even more about it than I do now. I love playing video games, but if I had to do it every day, I'd hate it. The same is true with any activity I love -- yes, including whining. My dream job would consist of me waking up whenever I felt like it, and incoherently telling someone else my ideas for pictures, movies, novels, etc. I'd set up the initial conditions, limitations, and plot and have the peons do all the physical, mental, and legal work to bring the ideas to life, and me getting paid for it.

Five years ago, I used to hope that I'd be middle-management somewhere, perhaps leading a team or projects, while on the side finishing that novel I was working on. Right now, I just hope I'll have health insurance and hope I'll get a raise (which would be the same amount of raises I've earned in my "career" so far). Yes, my expectations have lowered that much.

Dear Senator Specter,

I would like to first say that as a Pennsylvania resident, I am proud that you have served the people of Pennsylvania. Even though I have not voted for you in the past, I can count on you to be a definitive voice in Congress. In a landscape where true independence is frowned on, I appreciate your individuality in the face of party affiliations.

Despite this, I ask that you please reconsider running for another term.

I'm not asking because I don't feel you are qualified to be a United States senator. On the contrary, your years of experience, your sharp analytical mind, and your unique tenacity make you more qualified for representing the commonwealth of Pennsylvania than any candidate I have seen in the field. My concern is with regard to your physical constitution.

Even though you may be in health fit enough to serve, I worry that your opponents will use your age and previous illnesses as a liability. Those on the left cast McCain as an "old man" and by winning the election, the Republican party was set back. I can't deny that as much as I disagree with the Republican platform, ageism worked against that party, and I fear it may be a double-edged sword.

Also, while I'm certain you love your job, I worry that in the twilight of your life, you are spending too much time in politics. Life is short for all of us, and although there is nothing wrong with pressing on, one day it stops for everyone. Perhaps the time has passed for you to move by direct action. Besides, who is left to train the next generation if you're still legislating? We need you to pass on your knowledge directly, not by example, before it is lost forever.

I know you will never read this or reply to this, but I hope that someone close to you will send a similar message and that you will listen. Even if you feel you cannot lose, I wish you wouldn't run for the 2010 election. I'd rather you bow out gracefully than be forced out against your will by someone or something else. For the sake of the residents of Pennsylvania, I ask that you please consider the thought.

Sincerely,

Nangbaby

September 28, 2009 -- At approximately 10:45 PM EST, Michael Cole, an announcer for RAW confirmed that Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger will host the October 5, 2009 edition of Monday Night RAW at the Wachovia Arena in Wilkes-Barre, PA.



There's only one word that can sum this up.

DAMN!

Yes, yes, and no.

To be fair, most of the things I say or write in anger I don't regret. If someone is using his or her financial, familial, or health status as a pity shield, I will call him or her on it, no matter how rude it may be. If someone is making hurtful remarks in the guise of "jokes," I'm going to confront them. Conversely, if someone has a stick up his or her rear and takes something too seriously, I'll tell that person to get a life. Most of all if someone lies or makes false promises directly to me, I show no mercy. I don't regret the fallout. I may only regret that it didn't happen sooner.

However, when I do see where I'm in the wrong, I will apologize. The key there is the offended party had better explain how I'm wrong. If a person is offended and proclaims I'm a meanie or dismisses me by saying I'm "stupid," that person isn't getting an apology from me. But if that person actually shows me why he or she feels that way or explains where the error in my thinking is, I'm very likely to offer a complete apology.

The problem is without fail, the people to whom I apologize say they accept my apology, but then continue to hold past wrongs against me. If someone genuinely apologizes to me, I forgive them on the spot and wipe out much of the memory of whatever grudge we have. Life is too short to be angry with people over anything, no matter how heinous, once an admission of guilt is provided, and the twins of contrition is shown.

But that same attitude is never applied to me. Instead of forgiving and forgetting, whatever was done seems to be a scarlet letter attached to me. It does get annoying after a while.

I offer peace and I get war in return. One day I'll be at the point where I can consistently forgive people without even an apology, but I'm not there yet. And so the cold war simmers.