From this point on, I'm going to be hiding my summaries under cuts, because finally, we get actual plot development....except maybe at too rapid of a pace.
Episode 7: "You Win or You Die"
Ned is being a fool, once again. He decides to confront Incest Queen with the truth he discovered, that Joffrey is not the king's son. Inexplicably, he also deduces that Joffrey is her son sired by her brother. For no reason. He also deduces that they nearly killed Bran for discovering this. Again. OUT. OF. THE. BLUE. I seriously cannot understate how poorly grounded these revelations are for Ned. It's as if someone handed him a copy of the scripts of the other episodes, then filled him in.
Incest Queen cries that she shared a womb with her brother and the other families have resorted to incest to keep their lines pure, but Ned warns her to leave to spare her Robert's wrath. Again, he's stupidly antagonizing the Mama Lion.
At the same time, we get Incest Charming's father effortlessly skinning an animal in more gore porn. Bad Dad tells his son he screwed up, but gives him some men and tells him to make up for his error.
Also, we get Littlefinger (the gray-templed guy who will henceforth be known as Don't Trust Me, Bro) at his brothel explaining to girls who were performing for him how he learned to be a crafty fox. So we get both sex porn and gore porn in a double feature.
Speaking of gore, though, the plot development of the episode is Robert. Somehow he got mortally gored by the boar on the hunt and is at death's door. Before he dies, Robert makes peace with Ned, telling him to call off the hit on Daenerys, and also telling him to take care of Joffrey. Robert also instructs Ned to essentially be the executor of his estate...and Ned does, with one change -- he substitutes the words "my rightful heir" instead of "my son Joffrey." Don't Trust Me, Bro tells Ned to use the information of Joffrey's heritage as leverage, but Ned wants to do the right thing and bring in the true heir.
Elsewhere, Robert's posthumous assassination attempt involves a merchant who tries to serve Daenerys poisoned wine in the marketplace. He gets caught, so they make him march naked while tethered to a horse, to slowly start evening up the full frontal male nudity to full frontal female nudity ratio. Plus Kal Drago now gets Iron Throne Fever and wants to march on the capital to sit on the "iron chair."
Also, at the wall, Jon sees that his Uncle's horse has come back from a trip to the wilderness without Uncle. Meanwhile, Jon whines about being a "steward" and not a "ranger" but goes to take his vows to the Wall anyway. Soon after, his direwolf pet brings Jon a severed hand. So is Uncle dead, or is he UnDead now?
It doesn't matter, though, because back in the capital, the king has died and Joffrey is on the throne, now king and ready for bloodshed. Gloating, Incest Queen tells Ned to kneel and Ned isn't having it, so a fight breaks out between the throne's forces Ned Stark's contingent...and Don't Trust Me, Bro holds a knife to Ned's throat.
- If only Viserys had waited 24 hours, he would have been able to whip the people in a frenzy and gotten them to attack the capital. It's better that he's dead, as Kal Drago deserves the throne and that self-proclaimed Dragon needed to die on general principle.
- Seriously, I'm staring to see there the Game of Thrones and Attack on Titan jokes are coming from, because there are a lot of thematic similarities...except this show has a lot more sex than Attack on Titan...and even a lot more gore, which is amazing since Attack on Titan is about man-eating monsters.
- I'm still sticking to the "Jon Snow is Robert's child" theory for now. It can't be a coincidence he swears fealty to the wall the same day the king dies. The only thing that concerns me is that if he were Robert's bastard son, he couldn't claim the throne. Not unless Robert had been secretly married but drank it out of his memory when his wife died...but that's too convoluted, even for this show.