Episode 21: "Valar Dohaeris"
It's clear that unlike the break between Season 1 and Season 2, that apparently, the writers felt people needed a lot of refreshers about what happened. Whereas Season 1 and Season 2 could be binge-watched as a whole, Season 2 and Season 3 do not work as well when viewing them in succession. Half the dialogue was explaining what happened in the past three episodes. Typically, this would be a bad thing, but for people like me, there were a lot of things I did not catch initially.
- Faline is the Flower Knight's sister (I thought he was just bound to her service because she inherited him.)
- Dragonstone is Stannis' Baretheon's lair.
- Casteley Rock (sp?) is the actual Lannister base.
- People who swear to be King's Guards, much like the watchmen at the wall, are forbidden from inheriting titles, having families, etc.
- Incest Charming was/is a member of King's Guard. (I thought he was wearing a cape because he was a fop.)
Anyway, Tyrion is recuperating, but he is adjusting to his nice new scar. He wants to see his BSS and his father. He needs more protection, since it was one of his own men who tried to kill him on the battlefield (ostensibly acting on the Queen's order), and BSS wants more money. Tyrion later visits his father, who had refused to come see him when he was hurt. He asks for his inheritance, but Bad Dad angrily tells him Tyrion will never inherit the house. Apparently he's not over the death of his wife, either. Sheesh! Everyone hates Tyrion. Bad Dad, you are really living up to our name, favoring your incestuous twins over the son who actually knows what he's doing and just likes to have sex outside of this family.
And speaking of that daughter of his, Incest Queen, she's starting to find that Faline may be a doe-eyed girl, but knows how seem sweet while wrap people around her finger. She's kind of like a female Tyrion except with less penchant for drinking and making love. Which means she's going to die, because one Tyrion is enough. I give her two episodes.
Meanwhile Sansa is actually sitting on the dock of the bay with Melania, when Don't Trust Me, Bro comes up. She cries, "Get me out of here, I'm a Stark!" so he promises he will get her out but she will have to be ready to leave at a moment's notice. Given that I renamed him "Don't Trust Me, Bro" I don't think much of his promises.
Also, HeartRobb and his men come across a keep that might be Superjail or might not be. Apparently, everyone there has been killed. This is a more recent slaying than the red assassin and much more pervasive.
Meanwhile, out on the open sea, Daenerys' dragons have noticeably grown, despite not growing at all in Season 2. They dive into the water to catch fish and breathe fire to cook them before eating them. Unfortunately, her few remaining Dothraki are seasick and she needs an army, so she goes to a broker for a slave army. Because Daenerys still has some morals, she's uncomfortable at the idea, especially when she learns the lengths these men had to be broken to be turned into human robots. Mormont tells her it would be better if she buy them than some other person. But, because Daenerys is a trouble magnet, a little girl tries to kill her. Her life is only saved by a guy wearing Obi Wan Kenobi robes. It turns out this is the man Joffrey forced into retirement. He's Obi Wan, now.
Jon Snow is taken to the king of the Wildlings who has a bad black wig that makes him look older and awful. Jon also sees an actual giant...no, wait, there are giants in this series? I suffered through 20 episodes of political intrigue with only the glimpses of dragons, shadow monsters, and White Walkers, and now you just throw a giant in there? Anyway, Jon says he wants in with the Wildlings, but the king is skeptical.
Elsewhere in the snow, Sam, who was surrounded at the end of the last episode by some menacing looking but actually non-threatening is magically alone and running. One of the undead people comes after him (Why? They had ample opportunity to kill him but they let him be? Now they're the Evil Dead again) only for Moon Moon to show up as well as the rest of the Survey Corps.
But the real shocker is Stannis' BFF, who I'm calling CrabMan since his fingers on his right hand got blown off and his daddy was a crab catcher or something. Apparently he survived the explosion and that pirate from before (who I hope doesn't have a bigger role in this seies, because I'm running out of nicknames) rescued him. He tells the pirate to take him to Dragonstone and when CrabMan gets to Dragonztone. Stannis looks so different I actually thought he was recast. I can't look him up to be sure because it'll spoil everything, though, so I'll assume it's the same actor. Anyway, it's clear Madame Red is now in charge and Stannis is a shell of himself.
- Incest Queen now has to be regretting pushing Sansa out of Joffrey's life. She could control Sansa. Faline is a devious deer.
- Seriously, I thought Dragonstone was where Daenerys was supposed to be headed with her dragons to power them up. Of course, with a name like Dragonstone, that means Daenerys will end up there. Maybe she can make an alliance with Madame Red....but I don't think she's smart enough to do that.
- I'm still confused. Was that Superjail the Stark army visited? It looked like it was grown over with moss and weeds, so how did it get in that bad of a shape so fast? And isn't that Don't Trust Me, Bro's dominion now?