Nangbaby (nangbaby) wrote,

A completely random rant that makes no sense whatsoever...

Her. Yes her. Just when you think you can distance yourself and not have to worry about her presence she comes back. You go away and try to avoid her, hoping that her greatness will either have diminished in your absence or that you will somehow become more powerful than her and finally have the right to say, "Bitch, I'm more powerful than you'll ever be, you racist, sexist, conspiracy making, clique-making, reprobate. There IS blind justice in the universe so spread 'em and take this shiny gold staff up the ass." But no...just when you think she's dead, she's back, stronger than ever. Everyone forgets you. You made her. You were the reason why anyone even cared about her, but no. You're nothing. No one misses you. Then fine. She can just go and choke on a chicken bone. But instead of her choking, I'm the one who vanishes. That's how it always is. I've long stopped being able to do anything about it except caring. I just wish she could suffer the most lasting and unimaginable pain of a life time, a pain so maddening that she not only but she destroys everything she has and all those around her, leaving nothing but ash and being paralyzed to the point of never being able to do anything again and becoming completely forgotten, unable to do do anything but destroy the lives of all those are superior to what she had, completely causing the world to be consumed in a flaming potlatch.

Then there's him, and look at him, he's the luckiest guy in the world. He's got it all. Looks. Brains. Skills. Damn him. Why can't he burn to the ground, leaving his essence in vapors for those of us remaining to inhale and aborb to become stronger? Why does he get to live forever while I die? Why does he get to have everything that I desire and yet nothing but indifference toward me. I can deal with contempt -- it's annoying and frustrating, but at least it shows he needs me. But I don't matter to him. I don't matter to any of them,. They have in effect killed me with their refusal to care -- if I don't exist in the minds of others, I simply don't exist. Cogitant, ergo sum. How can they commit murder so easily? And how can they be surprised when I wish them to be invisible, intangible, and in constant pain? They have no pity and have no willingness to sacrifice themselves to me, so I will have no forgiveness.

Fire made flesh, the unstoppable song of passion, the power that is too much for mortal hands. The child of light and the ultimate expression of love becomes the arbiter of chaos. All because their skill goes unchecked, their fluidity unbroken, their pain unborn, and mine left in squallor. If only justice were truly blind instead of at their beck and call, and would rend all of us. I've stopped believing it could be good for me and them having nothing, as I'm not better than them. But we are equal, which means we should be treated the same. Instead they bring the "separate but equal" shit we still haven't gotten past. Equal means better no worse despite or because of one's ability. If I can't have it, you don't deserve it either, so let's all go out with nothing, let the disorder and negativity within each heart be unlocked and spread, so we all die and leave this miserable planet to chew on its own fate as the sun goes supernova. If I had the power I'd do it. The only thing that would slow me me are the heartstrings, the remnants of feelings of people I felt affinity for. But I have to break myself from them, cut the cord as surely as I slice their heads from their necks. Equal means I can't make any exceptions, not even for those I care about. This time there will be nothing from the ashes. Game Over. User wins.
Tags: whining

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