We open up with Jamie Lannister who is clearly ailing with the loss of his right hand which he is forced to wear as a necklace. His captive also let him fall off his horse and trick him into drinking horse pee (or so they say...that was probably water).
Sorry, I don't feel bad for him, since his incest and his stupid push caused 90% of all the junk that happened in this show, and since he has lived a charmed life until now. Sergeant Calhoun even tells him so, although she also thanks him later for the lies which spared her honor,
By contrast, I am starting to feel a little bad for the Waterboy, where his help led him to a keep, which turned out to be the keep from which he escaped. This is revealed after Waterboy realizes he did grievous wrong in backstabbing his friend and killing innocents to please The Old Man of the Sea. Waterboy does deserve to be punished and slain for his betrayal, but this torture is just wrong.
And Bran has another dream in which he follows the three-eyed raven, which ends with Mama Stark pushing him out of a tree. This goes nowhere, as do most of Bran's plots.
But there's a lot going on in the capital. Uncle Fester finally tells Tyrion the story of how he lost his manhood and how he worked his way up to become the spymaster. Basically, he had all of his external genitalia by a man who called himself a sorcerer, and as such he hates magic and by extension Stannis Baretheon. However, Uncle Fester gets the last laugh as he has the sorcerer who did this to him all these years ago delivered to him, bound and gagged, in a box.
Meanwhile, Bad Dad talks to his daughter, Incest Queen complains that he never decided to groom her to be in charge of anything. He buntly tells her that's necause she isn't as smart as she thinks she is. Burn.
Bad Dad also holds a meeting in which he tells Don't Trust Me, Bro to go to MilkMaid Mountain and marry the MilkMaid. Here I thought we were done with that crazy lady. He also appoints Tyrion in charge of the treasury until Don't Trust Me, Bro comes back. So Tyrion looks into it and realizes that Don't Trust Me, Bro is cooking the books and the kingdom owes some shady people some money.
And meanwhile, Faline weaves her spell on Joffrey, and Incest Queen isn't having it. Faline is also able to snare Sansa by promising her to her gay brother, the Flower Knight. Meanwhile, Don't Trust Me, Bro decides to use his excursion to MilkMaid Mountain a way of smuggling Sansa out of the capital. Uncle Fester sees all this going on and doesn't like it, because he knows that Don't Trust Me Bro isn't just a master spy who wants more power, but would ruin the realm to get it. He also knows that Sansa is as dumb as box of rocks and will quickly become his pawn. So Uncle Fester talks to Faline's grandmother about his suspicions, and she agrees they need to work together,
Apparently, because we need more drama, on of the Survey Corps men die and the guys are holed up in that village get mad because their host is holding out on them, and the host decides to be a jerk. Crowmander tells his men to stand down, but one of his men gets tired of their host's lack of hospitality and it's a North of the Wall Brawl. Just like was warned in Attack on Titan, a commander who loses the trust of his men soon have the troops mutiny, killing the captain, and the next thing you know all the people are fighting each other and killing each other. In the chaos, Sam and the girl he started fancying and who have birth to a son get away.
Elsewhere, Scarface, Arya, and MiniTaur are led to a cave, where the men without borders hold Scarface on trial and accuse him of crimes. He chooses trial by combat, just like Tyrion did at MilkMaid Mountain, and one guy is eager to fight him. You know he's dead meat, because Scarface is clearly a major character, but let's pretend he doesn't have plot armor.
Finally, though, we end with just the right amount of violence. Daenerys makes good on her promise in that she brings her dragon on rein to the slave master. He takes it, but can't control the dragon. Daenerys tells her human robot army to kill their masters, and the slaves do just that. Plus the slave master gets burnt up by the dragon.
So she gets her army, a handmaiden, keeps her dragon, and frees the slaves. And she's marching towards Westeros with her freed slaves. She's better at scheming than Incest Queen and stronger than Madame Red. I'd be scared of her if it weren't for the fact this cast deserves to get slaughtered.
- Crowmander Captain Mormont has a son...oh, so that man who is with Daenerys must be his son. Oh, now I get it!
- That Wildling girl essentially saved Jon Snow's life, because had he been at that melee, he would have been killed, no question. Those men were targeting the senior leadership and those they hated. Sam only got away due to sheer luck. Jon Snow isn't that lucky.
- The thought of Don't Trust Me, Bro and the Milk Maid in a marriage makes me wonder if he'd put her in the brothel as a special act, where she acts as a human cow. Then again it's telling that for Bad Dad's declarations in not letting his house become a whorehouse, he certainly isn't averse to letting the same fate befall other houses.