Episode 25: "Kissed by Fire"
We open up with the eye-patched dude -- who I'm calling Patch fighting Scarface, and it is a great duel, one of the best in the series, with Patch utilizing Scarface's weakness to fire. However, Scarface is able to strike Patch down and wins, but Patch comes back to life. So the Men Without Borders let him go, to Arya's displeasure. She asks if since they brought Patch back to life if they couldn't bring back someone without a head, but they tell her that her father is dead and is at peace and it doesn't quite work like that, since every time he's brought back, something is missing. And MiniTaur says he's staying with the Men Without Borders, to Arya's dismay.
Meanwhile up North, the Wildlings quiz Jon Snow on what he knows, and things get heated, so that red-haired lady --I've got to give her a name -- breaks it up. Jon Snow loses his cherry in a really, really stupid way. See, he follows her to this mysterious hot spring somewhere in this snowfield and she takes off her clothes. She then seduces him. At first he has some sense and doesn't give in, but the thirst is real and he decides to give into lust since he's no longer a member of the Survey Corps. So she's Cherry Popper and he's an idiot. We had gone half a season without a stupid sex scene and this episode ruined this streak.
Not quite as far north one of HeartRobb's allies leads some men and kills the Lannister captive children. HeartRobb is mad because not only did he need those kids alive as bargaining chips, in his mind, killing kids is kind of wrong. So he has to kill the ally. His army is falling apart, and now he has to turn to the old man with too many kids, the one who his mom promised Rob would marry one of his daughters. Great. So we're back to Starks being stupid.
Meanwhile, Jamie Lannister and Sergeant Calhoun are brought as captives to town, where a doctor treats Jamie's open wound. In a creepy, creepy scene, where Sergeant Calhoun is bathing in a bot tub, Jamie, having no sense of boundaries, gets in the same tub and soaks, keeping his head above water and horribly dirty. He then starts spilling his guts about the reason why he killed the Mad King, It was because the Mad King was going to kill his father and a bunch of other people. Jamie broke his vows to serve the king to save their lives, he says, but still doesn't rub any of the dirt or blood off his face. This was a complete waste of time.
There's also another pointless scene where Obi Wan and Mormont are having a contest as to who is more loyal to Daenerys. However we're introduced to the the leader of Daeneys' human robot army, Grey Worm. So we're getting more people of color now to see Daenerys' faction as being "woke." It still doesn't make up for putting Renfield in that vault. Let's hope he doesn't die or get sidelined like the others so far.
Elsewhere, though Stannis is a sad sack and he visits his wife. He berates himself for cheating on her but she encourages it, since apparently she's also a religious fanatic. Anyway, he sees his daughter, who a girl with a facial disfigurement that looks like scales on her face. The girl tries to talk to CrabMan, who's being held prisoner, and tries to cheer him up.
But the end of the episode is as good as the beginning. Bad Dad calls a meeting with Tyrion with Incest Queen sees the game that Faline is playing and so he decides to move first. He orders Tyrion to marry Sansa and to get her pregnant. Tyrion, of course, protests, but Tywin says he has to do it. Incest Queen isn't getting away without punishment. She has to marry the Flower Knight. She objects as well, but he tells her she has to stop incesting and do as he says.
This man thinks outside the box!
- Bad Dad is too smart for this show. He should have been in the capital in the beginning, then again. Why didn't Robert make him the hand instead of Jon Arryn? Because there's be no show.
- Tyrion, stop complaining you have to marry Sansa. Given that Sansa is an idiot and is prone to trusting the wrong people, this is your dad's way of saving her life. In addition, you can just say you can't have kids, given than you've had sex with everyone but your sister and the Starks and haven't created any bastards.
- I can't help but wonder if there's some connection to Patch's resurrection and the blue-eyed undead.
- Jamie's story doesn't make him any more compelling. People didn't hate him because he slew the previous king (that everyone hated). They hated him because he was a jerk. His confession doesn't make him any more relatable.
- I'm positive Cherry Popper turns up pregnant because of her hot spring sexcapade. I'm also positive she's going to die soon. I'm giving her four more episodes. If she makes it beyond then, I'll give her a new name, because Cherry Popper is even stupid by my standards.