Episode 26 : "The Climb"
Basically, this is yet another episode of stalling. It isn't as bad as the episode nine episodes ago, but it was still largely pointless.
It opens up with Sam and the new mom I'm calling Mamacita because this is yet another character whose name I can't catch. Anyway, Sam doesn't even know how to keep a fire going, so helps him with that and in turn he sings to her baby boy.
A little further south in Bran's company, the Sister of the Brother and Sister Act and Wild Thing hate each other because girl hate is a thing and they argue over skinning rabbits of all things. This reminds me of that Once Upon a Time episode where Zelena and Regina spent the entire episode bickering I still have flashbacks about that episode. Thankfully, this doesn't go on as long as Henry...I mean Bran, tells the Wild Thing to knock it off and make peace. Meanwhile, the Brother has a vision seizure and tells Bran that Jon Snow is on the wrong side of the wall/
Somewhere else, this mysterious torturing dude puts the Waterboy through the ringer, leading to our gore porn for the episode. He leads the Waterboy to believe that he's the son of the guy who got executed last episode, only to reveal he's lying and cuts the skin off the Waterboy's finger pulling out the bone. I'm beginning to think this is all in his head, because there's no way he's going to survive all this torture in this climate, and him dying in the middle of nowhere would be pointless.
Back at the army, HeartRobb convinces his man at arms to take one for the team and marry one of the Old Man's daughters.
Elsewhere, the guy holding Jamie Lannister captive puts Sergeant Calhoun in Vannelope's dress at the end of Wreck-It Ralph. No, seriously, it's the same dress, and if you haven't seen Wreck-It Ralph, don't look it up. These costumers watched Wreck-it Ralph. But anyway, their holder tells Jamie Lannister he's going to take him back to the capital, but that Sergeant Calhoun isn't going anywhere.
But the real development, and the only development, is that Madam Red finally meets up with the Band of Brothers without Borders or whatever they're called. There's a lot of talking between her and the man who called Patch back from the dead and he reveals his backstory as a faithless priest who regained his faith when he discovered his ability to bring back his friend. This kind of sounds familiar...but anyway, Madam Red isn't here for him, but for Mini-Taur, and Brotherhood hands him over just like that. Arya makes an effort to stop him that amounts to looking at her sternly and Madam Red goes away with her captive.
Meanwhile, Incest Queen and Tyrion realize that they have to work together if they want to combat the influence of their father and the Tyrell Corporation. Or at least I hope, because Bad Dad and the grandmother who I'm calling Granny Goodwench because I don't know these people's names* agree on the plan.
Also, at the end, Uncle Fester and Don't Trust Me, Bro talk about how they blocked each other. However, Don't Trust Me, Bro takes pleasure in how he outsmarted Uncle Fester and gave Joffrey a new playtoy, and it is revealed that Joffrey has shot Uncle Fester's informant dead with his crossbow.
And Sansa cries after Tyrion's proposal and as she realized she could have gone with the departing vessel of Don't Trust Me, Bro.
And Jon Snow climbs an ice wall, his Cherry Popper nearly falls to her doom, but to no surprise (because she has to live long enough to say she's pregnant), they both make it up to the top of the ice wall, and kiss in a long panning shot to end the episode.
Basically, the only thing that happened was that MiniTaur got taken away by Madame Red. Clearly she's going to make a BULL out of him, or at least ride him like one.
*I obviously know Bad Dad and Incest Queen's names, as well as Uncle Fester and Don't Trust Me, Bro, but I refuse to use them because it's more fun misnaming them.
- No Danerys makes me sad. But no Joffrey would have made up for it.
- I'm really liking how this show is delineating the two spymaster characters. Uncle Fester is genuinely trying to protects people while serving himself, while Don't Trust Me, Bro just has bad intentions all around. That explains why Uncle Fester has held onto critical information and has been helping Tyrion.
- I know Sansa's disappointed, but she's safer with Tyrion as a husband than she would be with any other choice. Do you think she'd have lasted the journey with Scarface (he's good, but not THAT good), or Don't Trust Me, Bro (who'd have whored her out before returning her to Mama Stark), or would have been happy when she figured out the Flower Knight wasn't into her the way she was into him? No, Tyrion can teach her the most important skill, the ability to lie, while she can teach him what it's like to have to take care of someone he isn't sleeping with.