Episode 28: "Second Sons"
At Dragonstone, CrabMan tries to earn how to read. At the same time, MiniTaur is about to get slaughtered by Madame Red, or at least his virginity is...sort of. She seduces the boy, but instead of making a smoke monster baby with him, she ties him to the bed mid-act and puts a leech down his pants and two on his chest. When they fill with blood, she throws each of them into the fire, one for Robb Stark, one for the Old Man of the Sea, Waterboy's Dad, and one for Joffrey. Basically, she pulled the same trick Waterboy's torturer pulled, except she left his penis in tact. It's still messed up given that this boy was tortured by the Tickler before.
Elsewhere in the east, Daenerys learns about the Second Sons, a group of mercenaries who might go against her. Their leader, Dario, is a lecherous pig and makes no bones about wanting her to make love to him. She treaties with him, him and his friends decide to kill her, he changes his mind and decides to kill them. He then pledges her loyalty to her after sneaking into her camp and interrupting her bath. Surely this is going to end well, said no one ever.
But the meat of the episode is King's Landing, where Tyrion and Sansa must wed and neither are happy about it. Meanwhile, Joffrey, who has seemingly hated Sansa, is now glowing with glee that she's going to be her brother in law. Bad Dad is just there to make sure no one steps out of line. Incest Queen is torn between trying to make Faline suffer and mocking her miserable brother.
Tyrion gets drunk like a skunk Joffrey, who so far has shown to be solely turned on by violence and suffering now threatens to rape Sansa to give Bad Dad the heir that is wanted. So Joffrey didn't want to marry Sansa where he could essentially rape her, but instead wants to rape her to cross Tyrion, and likely get Bad Dad's severe disapproval (he clearly has had enough of this incest crap and is not taking kindly to Joffrey's murder show).
Does this boy have a death wish? Seriously. He thinks because he's the king he can do what he wants. Here's to hoping that blood curse gets him.
Anyway, after the wedding, Tyrion and Sansa go to their bedchambers. Sansa begins to undress and while Tyrion is intrigued, he promises that he will not sleep with Sansa until she wants him to sleep with hirm, and then he passes out drunk. The next morning, Melania, who has been super angry, checks the sheets and sees that there has been no coital activities.
But the end of Game of Thrones knows how to get you hooked. Sam and Mamacita light a fire in a shelter, when all of a sudden, a flock of cawing crows sit on a tree, as if they were looking for grubs to eat. Sam tries to scare them away and instead, a zombie shows us. The zombie I'm calling John Harbaugh, is one of those White Walkers and according to Mamacita wants her baby. Sam points a sword at him, and the zombie grabs it, shatters it, and tosses Sam to the side. Just as John Harbaugh is about to reach the mother and child, Sam takes a piece of the treasure he unearthed ten episodes ago, a knife, then stabs John Harbaugh with it. Harbaugh collapses into a pile of crystal or ice or something.
And then Sam and Mamacita run away, and all of the Baltimore Ravens fly after him like he had just intercepted one of their mediocre quarterback's (Dilfer, Boller, Flacco, Jackson, pick one) passes. I hope Sam didn't leave that knife back there.
- Madame Red is better at this torturing thing than Jigsaw Mcgraw -- and yes, I only think of a fitting second name for him after he doesn't appear. See, she was trying to get blood.
- I can't help but wonder. If the "dead crows" warning wasn't figurative (relating to the Survey Corps) but literal, in that those crows wuld die.
- Wait a minute, Sam said his name was "Sawmise Talley" (I think). Wasn't that the name of Mama Stark's dad? I don't want to look it up or else I'll spoil myself on the series.
- Scarface also said that Arya's uncle. I hope he was taking figuratiely. After this wedding everyone's going to be "Uncle Grandpa" or "Uncle Daddy."
- I'm really starting to question this "these undead guys evil" propaganda. Notably, this White Walker did not kill Sam, just knocked him out the way. Either Sam is special somehow, or these White Walkers aren't the evil, mindless guys they're made out to be. I kind of feel bad for John Harbaugh...even though John was a zombie.
- Where are the direwolves, anyway? They were important supporting characters...and now they're gone.