Episode 34: "Oathkeeper"
This episode opens up with something unprecedented for this show; two people of color who aren't Dothraki talking to each other. Daeneys's handmaiden, whose name I still haven't caught, and Grey Worm are talking. She's teaching him how to speak the common tongue and the two of them are also explaining their life paths to each other. She was taken from the Summer Isles as a child, and he was Unsullied from birth. He also expresses a desire to to kill all the masters. Daenerys interrupts the lesson, as she has work for Grey Worm to do.
So Grey Worm and the Unsullied sneak into the slave quarters, inspire and arm the slaves, then lead a revolt. The slaves kill the Masters and Daenerys throws her flag atop of the city. Obi-Wan cautions her that she needs to be merciful. Daenerys says she will answer injustice with justice and crucifies 163 of the masters, each one retaliation for the victims they saw on the way there.
Now that we caught the fan service out of the way we now have fan disservice, because the rest of the episode made me sick.
Meanwhile, BSS and Incest Charming are still training, as well as obviously setting up for the rest of the episode. BSS gives a little reminder of his past, where he stepped in on behalf of Tyrion at Milkmaid Mountaintop. He then tells Incest Charming to see his brother like those NPCs in video games tend to do.
So he does visit Tyrion, and for a moment they actually talk like brothers. Incest Charming asks Tyrion asks if he murdered Joffrey and Tyrion asks Incest Charming if he (Charming) was going to kill him (Tyrion). Since the answer to both questions are no, they both realize neither are going to kill members of their own family. The elder brother mentions that his sister also wants Sansa dead and wonders if she did it. Tyrion assures his brother Sansa's not a killer...yet.
So we go back to the boat where Don't Trust Me, Bro explains to Sansa he's taking her to Milkmaid Mountaintop. The place that I was so glad that we were no longer going to see has returned. At least Sansa is going to see how crazy her aunt is. Anyway, Sansa asks Don't Trust Me, Bro if he killed Joffrey. He all but admits it. She asked him why and what does he want. Don't Trust Me, Bro says that Joffrey was unstable and that his new friends had similar interests. He also says that as long as no one knows his true motives, he can evade suspicion, and he wants everything.
And so in the capital Granny Goodwench confessed to Faline that she had Joffrey killed. She also advises her granddaughter to use her feminine wiles to seduce the new king, recounting from her youth how she was able to steal her sister's fiance by stepping into his bed Chambers and performing acts on him.
So Faline decides to do the same. Except this new king is only 11 or so, and unlike most of the characters on this show is not interested in sex, because he's a damn kid. This isn't like Madam Red and MiniTaur since the latter had at least already undergone puberty . Seriously, this grown woman sneaks into his bedchambers and wants to talk to a child, telling him it will be their secret.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Just about the same time, Incest Charming decides to visit his Incest Queen and she's rightfully angry, not believing that Tyrion or Sansa are innocent. Neither of them even as much mention the rape next to Joffrey's corpse. It's not even treated as a consensual act but just completely not mentioned. Instead she asks him why Mama Stark freed him and he answered it was because he promised to reunite Sansa and Arya with their mother. Of course she is livid and she wants him to find Sansa and kill her. She wants more guards at her son's door and dismisses her brother, especially since he couldn't protect Joffrey.
Um, lady, your son was poisoned. There's nothing a King's Guard to do against that.
Anyway the next morning, Incest Charming give Sergeant Calhoun a black suit of armor so she really does look like her nickname. He also gives her a sword and they call it the Oathkeeper. He sends her away to protect Sansa, and also sends Podric with her for his own protection. Clearly this is Tyrion's idea, but Incest Charming is acting like he wants to be a hero again. It's too little too late.
But aside from the pedo action it doesn't seem like it's all that bad right? Oh no. It gets worse.
Heading back up north to the wall, Jon Snow is trying to train the soldiers so they can fight the Wildlings. A new recruit, a middle-aged man named Locke, essentially knocks the pants off his sparring partner. The acting Crowmander tell Jon to knock it off and reminds him he's a steward, not a ranger. Another Crowmander tells the Crowmander to accept Jon's plan to raid Craster's keep to kill the mutineers. This way Jon could get killed off up there instead of him being abused here and the men choosing to follow him.
Of course, Jon has another reason for wanting to march up north, because he believes that bran may be heading there. (Spoiler alert! He's right.)
So at the mess hall, with permission from the acting Crowmander, Jon Snow gives a speech tune for volunteers to join him to march the 60 miles to the village. One man who had initially banged on the table to get everyone's attention volunteers. A few others do and finally Locke stands up.
This happens just in time because we see what has happened to Craster's keep. The main backstabber who I'm going to call Puppy Kicker drinks from the skull of the former Commander Mormont. He tries to goad a fight with one of his fellow man into a fight all while the rest of his men are raping the girls around them in an orgy of depravity. A woman comes in with a baby. Craster's last child has been born and Puppy Kicker decides that Craster had a good tradition with leaving the infants outside. so he was going to keep it up and sends the flunky to set the baby outside to die by exposure.
So the flunky goes out of the cabin and puts the baby out in the designated spot, then taunts a caged Moon Moon by pouring the doggie's water onto the ground. He leaves and the water freezes, signalling the appearance of the White Walker who comes and scoops the baby away.
Wait a minute. Wasn't Moon Moon at the tree with Bran? I guess that was the other direwolf.
Anyway, not far from here Bran uses his mindmeld magic to enter the mind of his direwolf. While can hear the baby, that baby is ignored when this direwolf finds Moon Moon. But there's a trap and the wolf is caught. Bran and crew decide to follow the wolf, then are conveniently caught. The Brother of the Brother and Sister Act -- who I'm starting to call Peter Pan because he looks like the same actor who played Peter Pan in Once Upon a Time and just might be -- starts having a seizure and Bran reveals who he is.
However, this episode ends on an unintentionally heartwarming note.
See the baby that was scooped up wasn't killed and eaten by the White Walker. No, this White Walker, who I'm calling Pale Rider because he's the White Walker riding the undead horse, takes the living baby. Meanwhile this old blue eyed figure who I'm calling Ol' Blue Eyes picks up the baby and presses his long Nosferatu like nails into the baby's cheek. The baby smiles as his eyes turn the same blue as the White Walkers, suggesting he's been transformed into one of them.
Now this is supposed to come across as being beyond the pale and completely evil. However given that we suffered an episode where a boy is being groomed to be molested and a traitorous murderer has drunken wine from skull of a man he murdered all while his followers are raping women...and that same figure not only captured three kids and an intellectually disabled man, but sent a baby to die, I can't see this baby's fate in a negative light.
The baby is in a better place. If Old Blue Eyes kills this baby it won't suffer. If he's adding this baby to the Legion of Undead this baby is going to have a nice long, undead life in the snow. This baby is better off the way he is than being alive because being alive in the Game of Thrones world is suffering at this point. Every single child on the show has undergone trauma that would require years of therapy to even begin to work through their issues. I sincerely am not a fan of kids but I want to take Bran, Arya, Baby Stark, the new king, his sister, Porky, Stannis's daughter, Podric, the Brother and Sister Act, MilkMaid's calf, and even Sansa and MiniTaur and take them all away to an orphanage where they can actually grow up through their adolescence without the influence of all these toxic people.
Because the parents and the authority figures in their lives are awful people.
Then I'd whisk Tyrion, Hodor, Uncle Fester, CrabMan, Mormont, Obi-Wan, Grey Worm, Sam, and Sergeant Calhoun...the only adults on this show who have shown to be actual human beings* and take them to a nice place where they can live out the rest of their lives in peace.
*What about Jon Snow, Daenerys, and her handmaiden? No, they're designated protagonists who are having their questionable acts propped up by the narrative, and while her handmaiden is probably legitimate...I kind of worried they'll make her betray Daenerys or kill her off.
- I was a 100% percent wrong about Incest Queen. I thought she would at least realize Sansa is too stupid to poison Joffrey, but I guess grief makes you crazy.
- Tyrion, you're right about Sansa but you're wrong about your dad. While he doesn't have much regard for your safety and has definitely endangered your life and put you in scenarios where you should die, he clearly does not want your certain doom. He would have done it by now. He's presiding over this trial to give you a fair chance.
- I'm glad the show didn't drag out the whole "Who killed Joffrey?" angle. There are too many plot threads to worry about a murder mystery.
- On the other hand that this show wants to pretend that the rape scene from the last episode didn't happen is even sicker than the scene itself.
- It's really interesting that Don't Trust Me Bro, didn't mention the obvious reason why he would kill Joffrey - to get back at the Lannisters for killing her mother. Perhaps he has a sense of honor and doesn't want her to know that he carried a torch for Mama Stark. Or maybe he just doesn't care the woman he longed for has died. If it's the latter then what a waste of a character he is.