Episode 35: "First of His Name"
In the capital, the New King is crowned. The boy's name is Tom or Tomlin, but I'm calling him Tom Thumb. King Tom Thumb looks at Faline with lovestruck eyes. Surprisingly Incest Queen, instead of stepping into protect her son decides to encourage Faline to seduce Tom Thumb. Incest Queen talks to Bad Dad, who agrees that Tom Thumb will marry Faline in two weeks, while Incest Queen will marry the Flower Knight two weeks after. Incest Queen is also surprised that the kingdom, and by extensions, the Lannisters, are in debt.
Oh, and Incest Queen and Oberon share a moment where Oberon says he'll have a ship sail by so her daughter can see it, since Oberon's kingdom is where she was sent. Knowing this guy, it wouldn't surpsise me if her daughter's dead.
But the capital is boring, and so Sansa travels with Don't Trust Me, Bro through the blood gate to MilkMaid Mountaintop, with Sansa supposedly being the niece of Don't Trust Me, Bro. At least they aren't attacked by Hills Tribesmen. In the throne room, they're greeted by MilkMaid (who has her breasts covered) and her son Robin. Don't Trust Me, Bro gives Robin a glass bird, who, decides to throw the glass through the open hole to "make it fly." The adults send the children away to have a pivotal conversation.
Basically, MilkMaid is madly in love with Don't Trust Me, Bro and wants them to officially get married. She then casually mentions that she had her husband killed for him and sent off a letter...
Hold up. It wasn't Incest Queen who killed Jon Arryn which set everything in motion? It was the MilkMaid? She's the reason why alll this happened? And she did it at Don't Trust Me, Bro's request? Way to find out three seasons later!.
Don't Trust Me, Bro indulges her, and so the next night, MilkMaid is talking to Sansa as the latter eats some fruit. At first, MilkMaid fondly recounts her childhood, but her demeanor shifts suddenly as she questions Sansa why Don't Trust Me, Bro is helping her, saying that he loved her mother, as sister that didn't love him, and that she loved her brother, Sansa's uncle, who beat Don't Trust Me, Bro in a duel. She squeezes Sansa's hand had and Sansa tearfully confesses that she's a virgin, a stupid girl, and doesn't know how to lie. MilkMaid comes back to her senses and hugs her niece, saying that once Tyrion is dead, Sansa will marry her son.
So she's now literally marrying her cousin. Okay, then Tom Thumb and Stannis's daughter need to be arranged in to marriage now so we can end the show. If blood cousins can marry, then there's nothing stopping those two.
And elsehwere Arya and Scarface share a moment or two, were Arya lists the names of all the people she has to kill. The next morning, she gets up to practice with her sword, when Scarface tells her that she's fighting all wrong....kind of like how Incest Charming has to re-learn how fight.
I smell a sword fight between those two a coming...
Elsehwere Daenerys finds out ruling ain't easy, since while she took over one city, the other two fell back into the hands of the slavers because the unsullied were no longer there. Dario got her a bunch of ships, but Daenerys wants to secure the lands she conquered before expanding
Doesn't Daenerys know the first rule of Ogre Batte: the March of the Black Queen? Never leave a liberated town unattended.
And Podric and Sergeant Calhoun bond. Podric is as good at cooking rabbits as Sam is. Seriously, the two of them could star in their own Fat Guys in the Woods episode.
But the crux of today's action is north of the wall, at Craster's keep. Locke scouts ahead and spots Bran and his company, but doesn't notify Jon Snow and the others. Instead, all of the Wall Squad wait until it's dark to raid the keep, with Locke sneaking away on his own. Puppy Kicker is just about to rape the Sister of the Brother and Sister Act when the charge is led. Locke comes in the tent to kidnap, not free Bran, so Bran uses his power to take over Hodor to force Hodor to kill Locke. Bran releases his control, but Hodor, even as intellectually challenged as he is, realizes what he has done and is horrified.
You would think that the people in charge of the writing would use this opportunity to reunite the brothers, have some plot progress, and allow a smidgen of happiness. But no, because Jon Snow is not allowed to reunite with his family we have yet another, really contrived near-miss, where Bran decides to continue on his quest without letting his brother know. This is getting like Passions at this point.
And Jon killed Puppy Kicker while Moon Moon killed his flunky. The surviving crows ask the ladies what they want to do. The ladies kinda say they want to stay here...but they want the keep burned down. So they set the house on fire.
So basically, nothing of value happened this episode, except a Puppy Kicker and his minions get slaughtered and Bran mind-controls people to make them murderers..
- It has been entirely too long since we saw those dragons of Daenerys.
- Also what about that sorcerer arc? Is that also abandoned?
- Where is Baby Stark? We haven't seen him since last season!