Nangbaby (nangbaby) wrote,

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Nang Whines Some PUBLIC

As all of you know, I went away for a few days, not for a vacation either. All in all I can easily say this is the worst Christmas ever. While I did get a present (other than some money that had to be spent on the trip) that I am grateful to receive, during this time I was away from home, then had to stand outside in the cold for several minutes that probably led to feeling under the weather at this moment. I missed the wonderful Steelers game and missed any opportunity to record that wonderful video clip that was shown on TV of Harrison's tackling of that idiotic Browns fan. Worst yet, I received some information that I did not need or want to know, and had to sit around people who either hated me, thought I was an imbecile, or just plain didn't care about me one way or the other. I felt completely and utterly invisible and intangible. I actually got back Wednesday night after traveling through the rain, but it's taken until today to get back into the routine of being on-line and communicative.

Yesterday wasn't bad. I was finally able to get to a Wi-Fi site and play Mario Kart thanks to my dad. I raced against someone named Shadow in Mario Kart and got CRUSHED horribly. I don't have the USB thingy...yet. But I was able to get a Friend Code: 408084-160253. So feel free to add me, and let me know so I can add you.

But in another vein, I think about the end of the year, and I realized this year was yet another bleak year. On one hand, I was able to reach my goal regarding my education, but my other goal --employment-- seems more unattainable than it did three years ago. Still no money, still no job, still no independence. In assessing this year and yet another year of my existence, I can't help but wonder if this is going to be the rest of my life. It's weird because it used to be that while I could never figure out what I wanted, I knew what I enjoyed and gave me fleeting transitory joy. Now, however, I don't think I even get that, more like a sense of satisfaction. I really can't see myself doing anything for the rest of my life that will earn me any money. I'm not an artist of any sort, and while most artists are broke and unknown, one can earn a little money by doing things here and there. I have ideas for businesses but even if I had the cash, I know I'm not an entrepreneur -- that's for the self-starters who are willing to push themselves to hell and back. I'm not a hard scientist who continually searches for answers hoping that what I find is "close enough." I'm neither logical nor strong enough in programming to be a programmer. I'm not a designer who can visually arrange items to make them more appealing, and I'm neither knowledgeable enough or discerning enough to be an acoustic engineer. I'm not an eloquent person who can move people with words upon words on a regular basis. I cannot perform for people. I only know the law enough to stay out of trouble. I don't have the physical constitution to perform backbreaking labor, the patience and speed to work in retail, the fluidity and ease in actions to work in the kitchen, the courage to put my life on the line to be a police officer or join the army, or the insight to be an analyst.

Part of me is attracted to theory, the what-ifs, the abstract, although just about every personality tests I've taken has me leaning toward the concrete and sensory persuasion. Does this mean I don't know myself well at all? In any case with every year time marches on, and with it my dreams simply die a little more. I always thought when I grew up that I was going to be rich because I was smart and listened to what my family told me. I guess I never realized I wasn't so smart at all and that my family was wrong.
Tags: whining

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