Episode 60: "The Winds of Winter"
The episode opens up with a montage of various people putting on their clothes. They're going to the church to go to a trial. King Tom Thumb lingers because he doesn't want to see his mom suffer as a defendant in the trial. Nearly everyone else, including the entirety of the Tyrell Corporation except for the Granny Goodwench, is at church.
At the altar, the High Sparrow brings the Flower Knight out, who confesses to his crimes and renounces his titles. As a result, he's spared, but he has to join the cult and get his face carved.
But Incest Queen doesn't show up. The Mountain comes and prevents King Tom Thumb from leaving his chambers.
A little girl asks the Dotard, who is one of the few holdouts, to go see the King in Kieben's lab, and when the Dotard gets there, he only sees Kieben and a bunch of kids with knives. They stab him to death (about time, since this character has served no purpose)...but in the end, he gets away easy.
Meanwhile Kissing Cousin is lured underneath the church. A kid stabs him, enough to hobble and severely wound him but leaving him conscious. Candles are burning, the green wildfire that acts like gasoline is about to get ignited.
Above, Faline realizes something is wrong and tries to escape the building. However, the High Sparrow locks everyone in the church and refuses to let people escape.
So the church explodes, killing everyone in it, and a few people outside of it. Faline, Flower Knight, their father, the High Sparrow, Kissing Cousin, and a whole bunch of other people are just dead.
Of course, karma comes in the form of unintended consequences. You see, something happens when you kill a man's wife, his grandfatherly figure, and shake a man's faith, Incest Queen, you rob him of all reason to live. Poor King Tom Thumb just can't take it all, and in an unguarded moment, steps out of the open window and kills himself.
I'd feel bad for Tom Thumb, but given how Shireen, NieceDaughter, Tristan, Baby Stark, and so many other kids and innocents were killed, he probably made the right choice here. At least he didn't die by excruciating poison, getting burned alive, getting taken over by a warg, or shot by arrows. The boy went out on his own terms.
And you know Incest Charming, his dad, is at Riverrun dining with Walter Frey with no idea that his sister has graduated to mass murder via explosives. He takes note of a new servant girl, but mentions to Walter Frey that if he can't hold Riverrun, then they really have no use for him.
In Mereen, Daenerys breaks it off with Dario, saying he needs to protect the city and that she can't have a lover at her side if she's going to play the Bachellorette. She later admits to Tyrion -- who she names the Queen's Hand -- that while she looked like she was breaking her heart, the truth is she didn't feel anything for Dario. Neither did any of us watching. Why you wasted so much time with Dario I don't understand. He had nothing going for him. NOTHING. You'd have been better off with Mormont if you just needed sex that badly. I'm pretty sure, Daenerys, you're immune to the dragon pox anyway.
There's also this weird scene where apparently Sam, Mamacita, and the baby are all at the Maester's citadel. They don't want to accept his credentials, but they let him in, and he goes crazy over the number of books there.
At Winterfell, Sansa and Jon argue about who is going to move into their father's old room, each trying to push it on the other. Sansa also goes to that tree and sees her special friend. Don't Trust Me Bro wants to make her Mama Stark 2.0 but she says no.
Later in Dorne, Granny Goodwench says she wants revenge and cuts of all the Viper Sisters off as they try to claim how bad they are. They then bring her Uncle Fester.
But the big moment comes north of the wall, where the power trio nears the actual wall. Apparently, although those fairy children stopped Uncle Stark from becoming a White Walker, he's still apparently undead and can't cross the wall. So he's stuck like Vanellope Von Schweetz when the Cy-bugs came. So Bran and the Sister Act have to go South by themselves. Before they do. Bran wants to stop at yet another face tree to get a vision.
In the past, Ned Stark climbing the tower where his sister is screaming her head off. This time, Bran uses stealth to make himself disappear in the past. Ned then sees Aunt Liana, who is on a bed, bleeding from her abdomen. She says Robert can't know about the baby, with the implication that it's Rapist Rhaegar Targaryen's kid. She gives it to her brother to raise. And that boy is Jon Snow.
YOU STUPID WOMAN! JUST WAIT UNTIL HIS HAIR HAS GROWN IN! THEN YOU'D KNOW WHO THE DADDY IS. I HAVEN'T EVEN LOOKED UP SPOILERS OF THIS SHOW AND KNOW THAT'S ROBERT'S KID. YOU ARE THE STUPIDEST MOTHER IN THE WORLD!
I mean, here's the problem with this "reveal." It's too late for it to really matter. Had this been revealed before Jon died, then there'd be some sort of dramatic irony to play off his character. Waiting to proclaim him the "rightful" king is just dropping a bomb without enough time to explore this and wrap up all these plot threads. Jon Snow just isn't interesting. Again, he killed Ramsay Bolton. That's the only thing I like him for. Okay, and maybe facing off against Old Blue Eyes. He's done two things I care about in the span of six seasons. Even Sansa has done more than that, and she was the damsel in distress for most of the series.
Of course, Jon himself is unaware he's not Ned Stark's son, and Little Lady Mormont says he's the King of the North with Stark blood in his veins and everyone joins in.
Finally, Incest Charming comes back to King's Landing, and finds out his son is dead and now Incest Queen is the actual reigning queen now. You think he might realize his sister is poison and break it off with her? REALLY?
Oh, and that mysterious new servant at Riverrun was Arya stark in disguise. She kills Walter Frey's sons, stuffs them into a pie, then serves it to Walter Frey to eat. She then kills Walter Frey. Go Arya!
And at the end, Daenerys is sailing to Westeros with a fleet, her dragons, and all her allies.
- As anyone could have predicted from Season 1, it's obvious that is Robert's kid by way of Aunt Liana. However, Aunt Liana's an idiot and saw light-ish hair and thought "I gave birth to a Dragon boy." No, Jon doesn't have crazy hair or crazy eyes. He's just a stupid idiot who was good for two things; killing Ramsay Bolton and killing White Walkers. There are only 13 episodes left. Do. NOT. DRAG. THIS. OUT!
- Why then didn't Jon Snow's hair come out black like all of Robert's kids? Were they just impatient, or what?
- Also, how is Jon Snow going to do this double duty in defending Winterfell and defending the Wall?
- WHERE IS MINITAUR? DID HE DIE ON THAT ROWBOAT OR WHAT?
- Has BSS done anything as of late to make himself useful?