Nangbaby (nangbaby) wrote,
Nangbaby
nangbaby

Final Thoughts...Really...

I was tempted to just leave that last cryptic entry to be my last entry, but I think I will instead give a more formal entry to preface my departure. To make a long story short, I think I'd better owe the three people who read this an explanation. I'm just tired. I'm not mad, not jealous, not anything but maddeningly tired of everything. It seems like every time I find something to take joy in, there's the world again, and the mass of people who are better -- no one, not a few, but an overwhelming majority so good and productive I can't even begin to work on their level. Whether it is on-line or real life, it seems everyone I come in contact knows more, is more adept at things, faster, better, smarter, gathers materials more fluidly. If you name any skill they have it more in abundance. For a time, I knew this was the case both on-line and off-line, but I complained because deep down, I hoped it wasn't the case. I wanted to be proven wrong. I hoped the people I envied were cheating somehow and that I wasn't any worse than they were. Now, I've seen and experienced it firsthand in real life as well, and the verdict is clear, I don't measure up even for the simplest of tasks. I mean, I wanted to believe that either my time would come with patience or that my assessment of myself was wrong, but the truth is, I'm not good enough. That I've known for a long while, but this latest confirmation only brings with it a certainty I can't bear. I might as well not exist.

I don't know how long I will be gone. I really don't feel like coming back. Not just on-line. I really don't feel like venturing outside of this house. I don't even want to be in this house. I don't want to be if inferiority is my only trait. For once, it doesn't matter if the Steelers upset Denver on Sunday. As much as I love the team, it isn't helping me out or making me into a more influential person. In order to live, I need to have some skill or knowledge that would make me proud, something I could lord over people the way they lord over me. But for all the years I spent in school and in front of the computer and console, I haven't progressed at anything. While I look back and see the awfulness some of the earlier papers, I look at my more recent essays and there's no refinement. It's all bad. Instead, it seems everyone else has gotten better in my stead and where talent was once in the few, it is in the majority to the point it isn't talent but what's expected.

I did have something I wanted to show, but after working on it for close to ten hours, I quit. So I guess there is nothing more to say.
Tags: anger, rants, whining
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