October 21st, 2008

Sailor Steeler

Life is Good

Anyone who knows me knows that sometimes I get angry and fly off the handle on occasion. I rail against people, usually for what I feel is a good reason at the time. Unfortunately, my ire is also coupled by paranoia. As a result of being backstabbed, at teams I believe people are plotting behing my back when nothing of the sort was happening. Then I go on "atack mode" the next time that person contacts me, and this usually leaves the innocent party bewildered as to why I suddenly snapped at them.

Then today online, someone did the same to me. There used to be a time I was looking for a fight, and was waiting for someone who disagreed with me to contact me, or contacted them in a pre-emptive strike. But this time, I was just looking to talk to someone, and I got the illogical antagonism I often sport.

The weird thing is that even three months ago, I would not only be ready to go tit for tat, but I would have done so with glee. I would have insisted I was the one in the right, thinking it was a battle that I simply could not lose. But instead, I just tried to find someone common ground with the person, to talk to them like a human being. I've tried this before, of course, and got burned very badly, but I tried it again, because in the end, who's "right" or "wrong" isn't that important when it comes to silly arguments on the Internet.

No, this isn't some magic epiphany. I will still care about trivial on-line things more than I should, and I know I will eventually get mad at something all over again. But when I realize the ultimate power lies not in matching angry words for angry words, but in the simple satisfaction in realizing my own worth and not letting it drag me down.

Some people say I should ignore the jerks, and in some occassions, I will take that route. After all, they don't care, so I will give them the same regard as I would a fictional character, since in my mind, that is what they will be. By paying no heed to who they actually are, I can make them into what I want them to be, and they cannot stop me. Still, while this a tempting blanket solution, I still feel ignoring people who disagree is wrong, simply because it devalues a person entirely. I'm not going to ignore someone who wants to talk, not matter how irrational they may be. After all, we're all a little crazy, and each of us is good at something, so there's no reasn for either of us to label each other as evil.

I'm still obsessed, but I'm going to make it a positive obsession...an obsession with forgiving and being less of a grouch.
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