January 26th, 2010

Sailor Steeler

Looking Back...

I was looking back at an old post of mine, one where I was upset and ready to throw in the towel. I remember how hopeless and I felt then. It was no different than I felt in 2000 or even earlier, or even later in 2007 to some extent. I felt as though the world was against me, and that there was no place in it for me. Even though miluda tried to tell me that I mattered, I was foolish and didn't believe her.  The same happened when others did the same...repeatedly.

Four years later, I have a newfound happiness and satisfaction that I didn't think I could attain. This didn't come from any magic development, but in degrees, from the liberty that made me realize those chains were all in my mind. So what if other people had accomplishments or got on soapboxes to justify themselves with their lies disguised as truth?  Their perception is not my problem.  The sheer impermanence of the things I worried about then is staggering in retrospect.  Why should I focus on my own inadequacy and waste the time of the people who do care about me?  Why should I let those who disagree with me have any say on my opinion of myself?  I needed to make my own reality instead of letting others make it for me, and now that I have started doing that, it makes me wonder why I didn't do it before.  I am a person, worth more than angry words and condemnation.  Yes, it does sound like a chapter from a self-help book, Kefka, but this is my reality, and only I am allowed to make it.  I refuse to let anyone -- including myself -- from stopping me from doing what I want to do, at least on the computer where the possibilities are endless.

Don't get me wrong, I have problems and I'm certainly still negative at times, and there are plenty of days I feel inadequate. But I feel as though I've made my mark, not by doing something of great acclaim, but just by existing and impacting the lives of people, even in a small, insignificant way.  So to all of the friends who I've alienated over the years, consider this an apology for treating you like dirt and valuing my own unhappiness above your concern and reassurances.  Seriously, I was wrong for not listening to you tell me I was a good person and cherishing my inadequacy over your good judgment.   I am sorry for not taking your compliments at face value and if I had to do it all over again, I would accept your kind words as proof of our undying friendship.  Can you all -- at least the ones who are left -- look past our disagreements in the same way as I have and forgive me?