Nangbaby (nangbaby) wrote,

I am convinced that my brain simply doesn't operate at the same speed and at the same efficiency as everyone else's. Even as a kid, I'd sometimes wonder if I were really "smart" or if I weren't simply slow-minded and the classes I attended weren't special education for the mentally challenged. But now that I'm an adult, I realize that I am indeed a stupid person in comparison with my peers, and as a result, I have no one to talk to who is at my level.

Some of you may know that I have gotten a new job. Some of you may have heard me complain about said new job. Some of you may have not even known I even have a job. But sadly, I do have a place where I go to work for a reasonable hourly wage. Had I not taken this job, I would describe the position as a dream entry-level job. It's in a company that is in the field that I am interested, and the employees get perks up the rear. My co-workers are a reasonable lot and so far my assignments have not been taxing.

Yet the problem is I have no idea how to do my job.

I feel like a fox who has been given a position in the hen house to count the eggs that are being laid. The hen house is precisely where the fox has dreamed to be, and the task they ask of it seems like an easy enough...but the fox can't count. And since the supervisors are watching the fox just for being a fox, the fox can't get to work to taking a bite out of the nice, succulent chickens. As a result, the fox is learning how to count to ten when the eggs being laid are somehwere around 10,000...a day. Meanwhile, the pig and the duck that got hired have learned how to count very easily and are fitting right in with the hens, their co-workers and their bosses. And the fox is still hungry.

What complicates the matter is that I never have anything to talk about with the people I work with, no matter where I work. In my previous job, I worked with a near all-female staff who loved to talk about their families (a lot) and their favorite televsion shows, radio programs, shopping, and general "girl talk" that I had no interest in. In fact, I lost interest in the soaps primarliy because my middle-aged coworkers were into them, and it made me wonder how I could analyze such programs when they were meant for an audience who lowered their expectations of their entertainment.

The people I work with now are my age, but they're geeks. That may sound nice, given that I hang out with geeks on-line. The difference is I hang out with console gamers on-line...or at least used to before all the people I knew turned their backs on me. These people are PC gamers who are into WoW, Elder Scrolls, Doom, and all that junk. They're also commputer experts, but at the same time, they're so highly capable of their jobs that they can walk away from their desks, hold in depth conversations about the types of video cards they use, and still run circles around me without trying. They type far faster than I can imagine -- I actually blinked and someone had written an entire multi-sentence paragraph, no exaggeration -- and write more clearly and effectively than I have ever done (all while claiming to hate writing). In other words, these people are simply at a level I can neither hope to reach or even approach. And it's frustrating, because I've been at this job for about a month and I'm seriously no better at it than day one.

All of this, though, serves to reminds me that I don't fit in anywhere. I don't fit in with artists of any kind (visual, literary, or otherwise), performers, clerical workers, technical geeks, blue-collar workers, the sick and infirm, or anyone involved in the civil or criminal justice system. Sure I can join in with cheering on the Steelers football season, but other than that, I have nothing to talk to anyone about and as a result, there are times when I think I wouldn't mind if I were to lose the ability to speak entirely. Nobody's listening to me anyway.

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