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No one cares...

Jun. 7th, 2010 | 11:26 pm
mood: pessimisticpessimistic

I have lots inside me that I want to express, but instead of ranting on the corruption of individuals such as Tom Corbett, I am instead depressed beyond all measure.  It's been not only months, but years since I've felt this rotten.  I've come to accept that I'll always be poor in net worth and as an individual, but now that it comes time to actually work on the things I want to work on, I just can't.  I can't find the will to even open up Notepad or MSPaint, or to write the e-mail replies I need to write, or to finish processing videos, or even to organize my postal mail.

I don't want to die...right now I just don't even want to be.
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Comments {15}

evil_kieben

from: evil_kieben
date: Jun. 8th, 2010 06:52 pm (UTC)
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Friends talk to each other.

Just sayin'.

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Nangbaby

Eh...

from: nangbaby
date: Jun. 8th, 2010 07:12 pm (UTC)
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Are you meaning that in the way that I should talk to you about it? Or are you meaning that in the way you were talking to one or more of my friends about me?

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evil_kieben

Re: Extrapolationism

from: evil_kieben
date: Jun. 8th, 2010 07:37 pm (UTC)
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Neither one, actually. I mean it in the way that there once was a time when you and I did talk to each other. But every time I've tried to talk to you in the past year or two, it's been completely one-sided. Most of the time you never even provided a simple, generic reply.

It's not that I don't care; rather it's that it seems pointless to continue caring about someone who apparently does not care back. It almost seems as though your reply here should have read, "Why should I talk to you about it?". If that's the case then you absolutely shouldn't.

I've just been thinking that I myself could be better than that, and give you a little bit more of a reply than "peachy", and this entry was as good an opportunity as any.

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Nangbaby

Exposition...

from: nangbaby
date: Jun. 8th, 2010 08:37 pm (UTC)
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Umm...okay.

I think there's a misunderstanding here.

I asked because I really couldn't tell what prompted that response. My first thought was, "What did I do to hurt Kieben? Did he want me to talk to him?" My second thought was, "Kieben's been talking to one of those people who has a problem with me." So I asked the questions in that order.

Your response indicates that I failed you because I haven't been talking to you, and have taken it as some personal slight. As someone who has done this in this past, I can empathize, but I ask you to look at the whole picture.

Have you noticed the decreasing frequency, length and more importantly, the declining content of my LJ posts?

Have you even noticed I don't post at GTF much any more other than to post a snide remark. I didn't even enter Game's Box Office Challenge contest, a contest that had two entries and a contest I'd like to win out of pure, petty pride?

Have you noticed that I'm never on AIM or other instant messaging services, and that if you snuck and checked with other screen names, I'm not there?

This isn't because I don't want to be bothered with you. This is because I simply don't have much time for just about anything that is personal these days. Today is my only free afternoon and I even have to leave for a dinner date in a less than an hour (with a family friend, nothing romantic).

I have magazine pages I need to scan, videos that I need to process, and a Web site I really need to finish redesigning (I've been working on this one for over a year), and guess what? I've not made progress on any one of these. Why? Because I have to pay a goof 15 to 20 separate bills a month, monitor other expenditures, and actively manage five -- yes FIVE -- banking accounts and within the past few days, I have to keep tabs on a sixth. And there's hardly any money in any of them, which makes managing them all the harder to prevent them from getting overdrawn.

That's not counting the spring cleaning I never got to, or the video games I've bought and acquired that are literally gathering dust.

If you're wondering how I can be on Twitter, the simple answer is that Twitter is connected to my phone, and I'm usually tweeting when I'm away from home in downtime. I have far more downtime AT work than I do at home where I have to do laundry, eat, or otherwise am interrupted in whatever activity that it is I choose to do. I can't process videos or do 99% of the things I need to do while away from a desktop.

You e-mailed me at an e-mail address that I do not check. No one e-mails me there. The only thing I get is spam.

You have not e-mailed me at my GMAIL address for months. My gmail account is linked to my phone, so if you were to contact me there, I'd read it within 12 hours at worst. If you're wondering why I haven't e-mailed you, it's because I don't send e-mail anyone except maybe once every month or two. Looking at my outbox, the last e-mail I sent anyone was June 1, then before that April 26...which was in reply to someone else sent April 7. I only have 57 sent "conversations" in my entire time at Gmail. What does that tell you?

In my earlier days, yes I did e-mail people more often than I did now. Remember the Internet itself was different back then. There was no MySpace, Facebook, or YouTube to take up one's time. Forums were threaded affairs in which you HAD to take the time to read a reply to understand what was going on in it. You made your own social network, and given my reluctance to use more codified social networks, I miss the experience...but it's not like that any more.

It's not just you. Ask Damaris. Ask Miluda. Ask Darkmoon. Ask anyone who knows or knew me by Nangbaby. After say 2007, I dropped off AIM, and in the past couple of years, my LJ has deteriorated as well. It's only "Writers Block" that actually gets me to write a half-assed reply. Believe me, I have rants on subjects, but I no longer have the hours it takes to bang them out.

And now that I've written this, someone else who contacted me is not going to get a reply for a OVER five days. But I put them aside to reply to you. Take that as you will.

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evil_kieben

Re: Explication

from: evil_kieben
date: Jun. 8th, 2010 10:05 pm (UTC)
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Would it kill you from time to time to tell me how you're doing? Would it kill me to ask? Perhaps we've failed each other.

As someone who has no noteworthy family to speak of, save for my father who I can't stand, friends are the most important things to me. I can't imagine how you could possibly project a five day schedule for an email reply. Even if the reply you want to write would take an hour, a simple two-liner suffices to acknowledge the person and let them know that you have read it, and that a full reply will be forthcoming. Failing to do so can be misconstrued in a number of ways. You may intend to reply, someday, but to the other person it can seem as though they have been disregarded or ignored.

I don't go to GTF. The only times I've ever been there have been when you posted occasional links to something. Twitter and Facebook are likewise useless to me. The only reason I keep either of them is in the unlikely event someone worthwhile happens to remember me. Those two sites are inherently spammy, even moreso since it seems that they are connected not only to each other, but to even more sites that I am not even aware of. Currently on Twitter I am following nobody. That is unlikely to change. Currently on Facebook I am following two high school acquaintances, neither of whom ever post a single thing. Everyone and everything else I have removed from both sites. That included you, but there are plenty of other ways to communicate with you. Maybe I'll put you back on Twitter. I was hoping you had so many followers that you wouldn't notice. And perhaps, until now, you hadn't, but I had to clarify anyway.

LJ as well is now regarded as useless to me. I'm through ranting and whining about the same tired subjects over and over again to an audience of nobodies who do not matter or care. My last entry was titled "final entry" and it really is. Of course, that doesn't mean that I have to stop trolling your LJ. The only reason I have LJ to begin with is because of you, so I've always regarded it as something that was ours. But with your own decline in posts, I've lost interest in it.

I don't even get on AIM anymore, since like LJ, the only reason I even have it installed is because of you. Everyone else I can talk to on Ventrilo, Warcraft guild chat, or Xbox Live headsets. Without you there's no reason for me to get on AIM.

I'm not about to ask anybody anything. I have no reason to doubt you. In fact, my initial reaction to your first entry here was "I know the feeling", but I wasn't satisfied with that. I was hoping instead to tell you that I still care, with the possibility of opening a dialogue for further discussion, while giving us each something to mull over for a bit, yet not come across as being mean or condescending, as my sarcastic nature often is, and to do so in as short of a reply as possible. I really wanted to say:

We cannot simply cease to be; therefore death really is the best alternative.

This has been a Public Service Announcement from The Realist.

But I didn't want you to think that I was condoning suicide or wishing any harm on you, since I know how sucky you are feeling with your life right now. I wish we had more time for the kinds of things we used to do. I've got a story that I've been trying to make into a game with RPG Maker XP, and I've been working on this thing for 7 years now, and still it's only about 5% done. I've got dozens of scenes written up on paper, hundreds of character sprites and avatar icons, half a dozen unfinished MIDI tracks I wrote for the story, and yet I don't have time or motivation to do any more. I'd like to share my ideas with you sometime, as that might even motivate me to actually make a little progress. There's no point making it for myself, because I can play the entire thing in my head.

I'm just as dissatisfied with life as you are. My phone lines have been out for a week and a half, so I've been posting from my phone. For this reply I actually drove 20 miles to a library because I knew it was going to be a big rambling mess, and my phone is a real pain in the ass for anything over one line.

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Nangbaby

Re: Explication

from: nangbaby
date: Jun. 9th, 2010 06:59 pm (UTC)
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I noticed you were "gone" from Twitter the last time I tried to do a Follow Friday, which I think was a couple of weeks ago, although you could have been gone longer. And while 100 followers seems like a lot, it really isn't, especially since I follow 70 people, and a good half of those are services/news sources, and many of the other half are inactive or celebrities or people who pique my interest. There are only ten followers on there whom I can say would follow me unconditionally:

Leo
Teddy
SassyStephie
Steelergurl
Mr. Wilcox
Ryan Thompson
Mr. Williams
Wade Fulp
Jethro
James Beaver

That's not to say I don't care about the others or vice-versa. Those are the only people I feel sort of close to, and they might not reciprocate.

With regard to Facebook, I only use it to keep tabs on Arturo and Len, both of whom I still consider friends despite not having lengthy contact with either in a while. Both of them seem to be moving on to bigger and better things (Len is already an indie film celebrity).

As far as LJ, it's only use to me is to write rants. Ever since this service got away from SixApart (end of 2007) it has been going downhill, especially since it switched registrars without saying a word to its users. That was the worst move of all.

Once upon a time, I had vague notions of making an RPG, but I gave up on it, and the idea I had wouldn't work with RPG Maker. I'd need something to approximate the Chrono Trigger engine, and since SquareEnix is cracking down in CT ROM hacks (yet let Brian Clevinger sell shirts with their sprites on them instead of suing him out of existence...don't you think that's actually the greater material harm), I can't even go that route. Never mind that I have neither the skills nor the materials to take on such a project. At least your 5% is better than my 0%.

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evil_kieben

Re: Explication

from: evil_kieben
date: Jun. 9th, 2010 07:10 pm (UTC)
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As far as LJ, it's only use to me is to write rants. Ever since this service got away from SixApart (end of 2007) it has been going downhill, especially since it switched registrars without saying a word to its users. That was the worst move of all.


How was that bad? I honestly can't tell any difference.

And your 10 loyal Twitter followers are better than my 0. Believe it or not, of the two of us YOU'RE the social one. I'll never understand how you meet all these people.

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evil_kieben

Re: 4389 characters exceed the 4300 character limit

from: evil_kieben
date: Jun. 8th, 2010 10:06 pm (UTC)
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Hopefully there's some sense to be made of all of this, because I haven't even thought it through before typing it, like I usually do. Have fun at dinner, although you're probably already back by now.

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evil_kieben

Re: one more thought

from: evil_kieben
date: Jun. 9th, 2010 05:09 pm (UTC)
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When you make a post like this and title it "no one cares", what am I supposed to think? "I don't count" came to mind. I'm sure any of your friends who read that had similar reactions.

If it seems like no one cares, ask yourself why. Of course we want you to talk to us.

Please don't take five days to reply to that person.

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Nangbaby

I'm replying to this one first.

from: nangbaby
date: Jun. 9th, 2010 06:01 pm (UTC)
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To be honest, given that the past few times I've looked at "My Stats" and saw that you hadn't been visiting my actual journal (I guess you've been looking at your "Friends" page), I assumed you weren't reading it. That's no big deal, as I've followed people through their Friends Pages, but have you looked to see when was the last time I actually visited your journal? It should still be in the rotation...

By the way, it's already day six now for that person, because I chose to go to sleep last night instead of going back on the computer.

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evil_kieben

Re: I'm replying to this one first.

from: evil_kieben
date: Jun. 9th, 2010 07:26 pm (UTC)
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I replied to this but it doesn't seem to have gone through. Posting from my phone sucks.


When I mentioned that I had your LJ bookmarked as my way to access LJ, you seemed pretty adamant about me bookmarking LJ itself, even providing a direct link to livejournal.com. I mean, livejournal.com is a pretty obvious URL after all. That you actually made a link to it for me to bookmark seemed like shooing me away. I took what I assumed was the hint and just started reading stuff from there instead.

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evil_kieben

Re: I'm replying to this one first.

from: evil_kieben
date: Jun. 9th, 2010 08:45 pm (UTC)
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I never bother checking the stats page, as its full of nameless nobodies who will never talk to me. I don't care how many of them there are; they're all useless.

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Nangbaby

Re: one more thought

from: nangbaby
date: Jun. 9th, 2010 06:09 pm (UTC)
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Oops... I missed this.

If it seems like no one cares, ask yourself why. Of course we want you to talk to us.

Maybe you want me to talk to you, but I can't say the same for everyone else. Over the years, I have PMed several friends only not to get ANY response back. Most of the time, this is because they abandoned LJ, but sometimes, this is because people want to be stupid and not talk to me even if it is me wanting to know how they are doing and having their interests in mind. I can't tell which is which any more.

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evil_kieben

Re: one more thought

from: evil_kieben
date: Jun. 9th, 2010 06:20 pm (UTC)
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I know I'm headstrong, and a bridge burner, but I'm not done with you just yet!

So please don't think otherwise. I'll try to do the same.

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Nangbaby

Re: one more thought

from: nangbaby
date: Jun. 9th, 2010 06:23 pm (UTC)
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Sorry for jumping to conclusions and crap, I just clicked the link on your journal. Now it's going to say I just visited even though the last time I visited was a few says ago, before I even wrote this entry.

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